1 00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:02,090 It would involve some light cleaning, 2 00:00:02,140 --> 00:00:04,950 light ironing and light cooking. 3 00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,750 Can you drive? Great. 4 00:00:06,800 --> 00:00:10,590 Light driving. And would you want to live in or do you have a family 5 00:00:10,640 --> 00:00:11,790 of your own? 6 00:00:11,840 --> 00:00:14,070 No, I've got a family of my own. 7 00:00:14,120 --> 00:00:17,870 - Two little boys. I have a photo. - No, it's OK, I believe you. 8 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,670 Sorry, the agency didn't say. What would be your hourly rate? 9 00:00:20,720 --> 00:00:24,830 It's 18 an hour, and in overtime it's 20 an hour. 10 00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,710 - Net. - Huh? 11 00:00:26,760 --> 00:00:28,870 Yeah, well, London is expensive. 12 00:00:28,920 --> 00:00:32,470 I'd be travelling in from Pinner, and then I've got to pay for 13 00:00:32,520 --> 00:00:36,310 - childcare, and food... - What, what, what do you do for childcare? 14 00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:38,950 - Well, I've got a nanny, innit? - You've got a nanny? - Yeah. 15 00:00:39,000 --> 00:00:42,470 - Of course. - Sorry, just out of interest, what is her hourly rate? 16 00:00:42,520 --> 00:00:44,150 What do you pay your nanny? 17 00:00:44,200 --> 00:00:46,150 Not a lot, she's Irish. 18 00:00:46,200 --> 00:00:49,190 Oh, right. So, just out of interest again, where, where did you find her? 19 00:00:49,240 --> 00:00:52,120 From an agency called Mothers Help. 20 00:00:53,280 --> 00:00:56,430 Are you writing this down in your phone? 21 00:00:56,480 --> 00:00:57,990 No, no, no, I'm... 22 00:00:58,040 --> 00:01:00,590 I'm just setting a reminder for something I need to do later. 23 00:01:00,640 --> 00:01:02,710 So, what was the name of the agency again? 24 00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,560 Mother's Help, it's on Fair Street in Pi... 25 00:01:06,600 --> 00:01:09,990 - You are writing this down. - OK, yes, sorry, I am, yes. 26 00:01:10,040 --> 00:01:13,230 I'm sorry. Do you know how to get the bips off an iPhone 6S? 27 00:01:13,280 --> 00:01:15,190 that bip noise, the bip, bip... 28 00:01:15,240 --> 00:01:18,030 Oh, you're leaving? Oh, thank you so much for coming. 29 00:01:18,080 --> 00:01:20,870 Actually, I do think Pinner is a bit of a schlep, so I'm afraid it's 30 00:01:20,920 --> 00:01:24,510 - going to be a no from me. - Yeah, no shit. It's a no from me, too! 31 00:01:24,560 --> 00:01:27,550 That said, would you be interested in a nanny share at all? 32 00:01:27,600 --> 00:01:30,400 You don't have to answer now. Just have a thinkety-think. 33 00:01:34,920 --> 00:01:37,150 I've gone into settings, hold on. 34 00:01:37,200 --> 00:01:38,790 Wait. 35 00:01:38,840 --> 00:01:41,910 - Yeah, I've gone into settings. - Control centre. - Right. 36 00:01:41,960 --> 00:01:45,310 - Sounds and haptics. - Haptics? 37 00:01:45,360 --> 00:01:47,510 Is that in settings? I've gone into settings. 38 00:01:47,560 --> 00:01:49,790 Just bloody give it to me! 39 00:01:49,840 --> 00:01:53,110 - Who is that guy? - What? I don't know. 40 00:01:53,160 --> 00:01:55,080 Is that little Sophia on his lap. 41 00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,960 Where did he spring from? 42 00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,790 Why is he at the big table? 43 00:02:00,840 --> 00:02:03,350 Oh, shit, I missed a call from work! 44 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:06,510 I'm organising this really big event, a real step up. 45 00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,030 I'm doing an onstage introduction with Malcolm Spender. 46 00:02:09,080 --> 00:02:10,880 Who's Malcolm Spender? 47 00:02:12,520 --> 00:02:14,520 I just assumed everyone knew who he was. 48 00:02:15,720 --> 00:02:18,400 - The war photographer! - Whatever. 49 00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,150 Whatever?! What does that mean? 50 00:02:22,200 --> 00:02:24,030 Do you know his work, Liz? 51 00:02:24,080 --> 00:02:26,070 No, but war photographers... 52 00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,760 Actually, I just need to talk to Amanda about the, uh... 53 00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:34,920 I just need to tell them about... 54 00:02:36,480 --> 00:02:40,230 Morning, ladies. Just an update... 55 00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:43,030 On the old park fun run. 56 00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:46,550 Apparently they were thinking about cancelling the under-12s 2K, 57 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:50,680 but, uh, I think they've changed their minds. 58 00:02:52,280 --> 00:02:53,780 Just, just passing that along. 59 00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:55,950 Hello! 60 00:02:57,600 --> 00:03:01,310 Amanda, are you going to introduce me to your new friend? 61 00:03:01,360 --> 00:03:04,670 Kevin, this is Sophia's dad, James. 62 00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,310 James is an old friend. God, we go back years, don't we? 63 00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:11,990 We were both front of house at Bibendum back in the day, but he's 64 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:14,390 well past that now. Aren't you? You are. 65 00:03:14,440 --> 00:03:16,750 He runs Bubble Nation, the online network company, 66 00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,590 and he's married to the very beautiful Tandy. 67 00:03:19,640 --> 00:03:21,680 He's also a very dear friend of mine. 68 00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:27,090 James, this is Kevin. 69 00:03:27,640 --> 00:03:29,670 - Hi, Kevin. - Hi, James. 70 00:03:29,720 --> 00:03:33,750 I was just telling everyone about the under-12s 2K almost getting 71 00:03:33,800 --> 00:03:36,120 cancelled, but anyway, you probably heard. 72 00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:41,750 Nice to have another stay-at-home dad on the street. 73 00:03:41,800 --> 00:03:44,430 - SAD. - Huh? - Stay-Athome Dad. 74 00:03:44,480 --> 00:03:46,830 - SAD. - SA-SAD! 75 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:50,590 Yes, I never, I never thought of that. 76 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,480 But I'm more of an out-and-about dad. 77 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,040 OAAD. 78 00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:02,310 That's two things we've got in common, then. 79 00:04:02,360 --> 00:04:06,240 - Oh, yes, what's that? - Both sad and married to hotties. 80 00:04:07,800 --> 00:04:10,900 Both bagged ourselves a couple of hot wives, by the sound of it. 81 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:15,830 Anyway, see you all at little Samantha's party tomorrow. 82 00:04:15,880 --> 00:04:18,830 - We'll all be there. - Yeah, we'll be there too, Kevin. 83 00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:23,830 Great. And if you want to chat or to say hi, I'm usually at the... 84 00:04:23,880 --> 00:04:25,670 - Toilet table. - .. that table. 85 00:04:25,720 --> 00:04:28,870 - The toilet table. - It's not the toilet table, Amanda. 86 00:04:28,920 --> 00:04:30,710 It's next to the drinks. 87 00:04:30,760 --> 00:04:33,150 - Oh. - If anything, it's the fridge table. 88 00:05:12,360 --> 00:05:15,190 I think it's cruel to call it a pool party, because when people say pool 89 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,920 party, you think, "Oh, Jonathan Ross's house." 90 00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,510 Who, who does this 91 00:05:21,560 --> 00:05:24,590 - deliberately? - Oh, no, I love a pool party! 92 00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,830 Probably because I never went to them as a kid. 93 00:05:26,880 --> 00:05:29,030 I never even got in a paddling pool until I was 15. 94 00:05:29,080 --> 00:05:32,270 - What's Liz doing? - Oh, she's found some guy's wallet. 95 00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:34,320 I think she's trying to get it back to him. 96 00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,200 - Hi, Liz. - All right? 97 00:05:38,200 --> 00:05:40,000 Why have you come as Hillary Clinton? 98 00:05:41,080 --> 00:05:44,710 Oh! Uh, no, I just wanted to make a good impression on Malcolm, 99 00:05:44,760 --> 00:05:46,550 the war photographer. 100 00:05:46,600 --> 00:05:49,030 So, what's this? What's this? Why are you doing this? 101 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:51,950 Well, war photographers. They think they're all that, don't they? 102 00:05:52,000 --> 00:05:55,270 Think they're all that? War photographers think they're all that? 103 00:05:55,320 --> 00:05:57,230 Liz, he works in disaster zones. 104 00:05:57,280 --> 00:06:00,070 He spends his whole life looking into the abyss. 105 00:06:00,120 --> 00:06:02,310 Give me a break. 106 00:06:02,360 --> 00:06:04,120 I'd hate to look into an abyss. 107 00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:06,910 Did you find your wallet guy? 108 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:10,030 I just called him. He's going to text me when he's done with work and 109 00:06:10,080 --> 00:06:12,710 we're going to meet. He does have a fit voice. 110 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,350 You know what else I like about him? 111 00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,910 He has no loyalty cards at all. 112 00:06:16,960 --> 00:06:20,110 Just got three cards. Gym, Visa, Oyster. 113 00:06:20,160 --> 00:06:23,310 - Got to respect that. - What does he do? - I don't know. 114 00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,110 - I'll text him. - Kevin, mate, 115 00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:27,510 you're all right to take mine back to yours after, yeah? 116 00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,030 - I'll get you back. - Oh, actually, 117 00:06:29,080 --> 00:06:31,870 that would be great because I need tomorrow afternoon off to pick up my 118 00:06:31,920 --> 00:06:35,030 mother-in-law. She had a nasty fall a few weeks ago and I have to take 119 00:06:35,080 --> 00:06:36,790 her for a check-up at the hospital. 120 00:06:36,840 --> 00:06:40,630 - Could you collect my kids after school? - Yeah, yeah. Absolutely, yeah. I mean, I can't do that 121 00:06:40,680 --> 00:06:43,350 tomorrow afternoon, but next time she has a nasty fall, 122 00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,150 absolutely. Right, I'd better be going. Bye-bye. Bye, darlings. 123 00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:49,510 - Where are you going? - Huh? I've got to pick up some bits and bobs before 124 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,030 the event, some deodorant... 125 00:06:51,080 --> 00:06:53,350 - No, no, you can't go. - Sorry, what's she talking about? 126 00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:56,310 You have to supervise at a pool party. 127 00:06:56,360 --> 00:06:58,990 - What are you talking about? - There's one adult per two kids. 128 00:06:59,040 --> 00:07:01,390 - It's not a drop-off? - No, it's not a drop-off! 129 00:07:01,440 --> 00:07:04,670 Otherwise I wouldn't be standing here, inhaling verruca fumes. 130 00:07:04,720 --> 00:07:06,280 Oh, come on! 131 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,320 Jesus. Right. 132 00:07:11,440 --> 00:07:13,350 OK, it's fine. 133 00:07:13,400 --> 00:07:16,190 It's fine. I'll just, I'll watch from the viewing platform and 134 00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:19,070 then I'll leg it. It's... it's... 135 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:21,670 - fine. - Boys and girls, 136 00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:24,790 hands up if you're here for Samantha's birthday party. 137 00:07:24,840 --> 00:07:26,590 OK, great, great. Mums and dads, 138 00:07:26,640 --> 00:07:30,750 if I can get you all to just start to line up, and just as a reminder for health and safety, 139 00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:35,430 I will need one adult in the water with every two non-swimmers, all right? 140 00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:38,670 - What does she mean in the water? - You'll have to get in the pool. 141 00:07:38,720 --> 00:07:43,030 - What? No, you can do that. - No, it's one adult per two non-swimmers. 142 00:07:43,080 --> 00:07:45,590 I'm one adult, and there's four non-swimmers. 143 00:07:45,640 --> 00:07:48,590 - Five. - Yeah, but does anyone really count? 144 00:07:48,640 --> 00:07:51,150 - Really? - She does. 145 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,520 No, I can't do... 146 00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:56,910 Look at me! I can't, I can't... Look at my hair, my jacket! 147 00:07:56,960 --> 00:07:59,150 Maybe don't wear your suit in the pool. 148 00:07:59,200 --> 00:08:01,110 Just try not to get your head in the water. 149 00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:04,030 - I never do. - Anyway, I don't, I don't have a swimsuit, so... 150 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,470 I've got my wife's costume in my bag. 151 00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:09,830 The gusset sticker's still attached, so it's hygienic as hell. 152 00:08:09,880 --> 00:08:11,910 Why have you got your wife's swimsuit? 153 00:08:11,960 --> 00:08:14,870 - Just in case, I suppose. - Have you got tampons in there as well? 154 00:08:14,920 --> 00:08:17,990 - What size? - OK, OK. 155 00:08:18,040 --> 00:08:19,910 It's fine. It's fine. 156 00:08:19,960 --> 00:08:23,360 I can dangle my legs in the water or I can stand at the side. 157 00:08:28,520 --> 00:08:31,190 - He's a scaffolder. - What's so funny? 158 00:08:31,240 --> 00:08:34,200 Just the way he said it. "Scaffolder." Dry. 159 00:08:40,920 --> 00:08:42,750 This way, this way! 160 00:08:42,800 --> 00:08:45,440 Excuse me. Mind your ears. 161 00:08:46,680 --> 00:08:48,480 Push through, push through! 162 00:08:58,400 --> 00:09:01,160 - Where should I put my jacket? - Uh, just here, give it to me. 163 00:09:05,160 --> 00:09:07,550 Yeah, look in the bag, sweetheart, look in the bag. 164 00:09:07,600 --> 00:09:11,040 This is cool, this is cool. Get away from there, OK? Don't touch that! 165 00:09:13,720 --> 00:09:15,670 Hangers! 166 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:17,560 Did anyone bring a hanger with them? 167 00:09:18,880 --> 00:09:21,190 A wire one will do. 168 00:09:21,240 --> 00:09:22,710 Anyone? 169 00:09:22,760 --> 00:09:24,200 Shit! 170 00:09:27,600 --> 00:09:29,230 Hello, Keith. 171 00:09:29,280 --> 00:09:30,800 - All right? - It's Kevin. 172 00:09:32,600 --> 00:09:34,360 What's the first rule of swimming? 173 00:09:35,560 --> 00:09:38,990 The first rule of swimming is always blow your armbands up at home. 174 00:09:39,040 --> 00:09:40,640 Yeah, I've got this, actually. 175 00:09:42,960 --> 00:09:44,670 I do usually pre-blow, 176 00:09:44,720 --> 00:09:47,790 it's just I ran out of time, wrapping Samantha's present. 177 00:09:47,840 --> 00:09:49,240 Oh, yes. 178 00:09:52,480 --> 00:09:54,310 Nice togs, by the way. 179 00:09:54,360 --> 00:09:57,110 Are they the pair that Nick Clegg wore on holiday that time? 180 00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:01,150 - Yeah, they are, actually. - Great casual dresser, Clegg. 181 00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,830 Yeah, if I was a woman, I think he'd be my guilty crush. 182 00:10:03,880 --> 00:10:05,950 - Or gay. - What? 183 00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,230 Well, if you were gay, he could be your guilty crush, too. 184 00:10:10,280 --> 00:10:11,710 Yeah, Yeah, good one. 185 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:14,990 - See you out there. - Yeah, see you out there. 186 00:10:15,040 --> 00:10:16,680 Loser. 187 00:10:18,680 --> 00:10:19,880 Excuse me! 188 00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:24,550 Excuse me! Hello! Hello! Anyone there? 189 00:10:24,600 --> 00:10:26,990 Please, could you?... Good. Thank you. 190 00:10:27,640 --> 00:10:30,590 Hello, sorry, do you have long lockers? 191 00:10:30,640 --> 00:10:32,070 - What? - Long lockers. 192 00:10:32,120 --> 00:10:34,830 Lockers that are long lockers, if you have something long that you 193 00:10:34,880 --> 00:10:37,110 need to hang up. Full-length lockers, like a wardrobe. 194 00:10:37,160 --> 00:10:40,710 It's just my jacket's getting very crumpled. It's a designer jacket. 195 00:10:40,760 --> 00:10:44,510 Why are you wearing a designer jacket to a swimming pool? 196 00:10:44,560 --> 00:10:46,360 - Do you have long lockers? - No. 197 00:10:47,720 --> 00:10:49,710 OK, thank you. Thank you for your help. 198 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,280 Thank you, good day to you. 199 00:10:54,560 --> 00:10:56,630 Sorry, could you... could you just... 200 00:10:56,680 --> 00:10:58,480 could you just...? Thank you. 201 00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,200 Manus, just stay right where I can see you, OK? 202 00:11:07,520 --> 00:11:10,270 - Have you seen James? - Oh, I think I saw him heading to the men's, yeah. 203 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:13,270 Oh, we were supposed to meet outside. We go way back. 204 00:11:13,320 --> 00:11:15,190 He's such a wonderful guy. 205 00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:17,230 Very good friends with his wife Tandy, actually. 206 00:11:17,280 --> 00:11:20,600 - Yeah, yeah, you said that when we were... - Did he ask where I was? - No. 207 00:11:21,760 --> 00:11:23,120 Yes. 208 00:11:25,080 --> 00:11:27,550 Oh, God, your legs look lovely and smooth, Samantha. 209 00:11:27,600 --> 00:11:28,640 Oh, yeah. 210 00:11:30,080 --> 00:11:33,350 Between you and me, I've had everything from here down 211 00:11:33,400 --> 00:11:36,910 lasered off. Not a wisp. 212 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,760 - God, that's terrific! - You should think about it, hon. 213 00:11:46,920 --> 00:11:49,030 I don't want to miss wallet guy's call. 214 00:11:49,080 --> 00:11:52,750 My plan is to meet outside a pub so when I give him his wallet back, 215 00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:55,990 we can go into the pub, so it looks like I've got a date. 216 00:11:56,040 --> 00:11:58,910 That's not a date. You've got his wallet. That's like a hostage. 217 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:01,670 If he still wants to meet you after you've given him the wallet back, 218 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,270 then, yeah, that's like a date. 219 00:12:03,320 --> 00:12:05,630 I don't know. I'm really starting to like this guy, Julia. 220 00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:08,510 Oh, God. Have you ever looked directly into the eye of a pool filter? 221 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:10,430 It's just full of pubes and... 222 00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:12,750 .. skin and plasters. 223 00:12:12,800 --> 00:12:15,550 Look, I've just got to look prepared to go in. 224 00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:18,790 I'm just going to sit on the edge and look at the water. 225 00:12:18,840 --> 00:12:21,110 Yeah, that'll definitely work. 226 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:24,630 Oh, look at you, all dolled up with your big hair. 227 00:12:24,680 --> 00:12:27,280 It's not cos there's a certain new dad on the scene, is it? 228 00:12:29,800 --> 00:12:32,390 What? No, no. I've got a work thing tonight. 229 00:12:32,440 --> 00:12:35,410 - I've got a book launch. - All right, calm down! 230 00:12:36,360 --> 00:12:39,950 You can give him a copy of your CV when he surfaces, Julia. 231 00:12:40,000 --> 00:12:41,760 - Come on, Anne. - Oh, sorry. 232 00:12:44,620 --> 00:12:46,160 No phones in the pool! 233 00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:50,520 Hang on, I'm just going to get this bloke to mind my phone. 234 00:12:56,960 --> 00:13:00,310 - Can you look after my phone for me? - No, absolutely not. 235 00:13:00,360 --> 00:13:02,990 Aw, just for a bit. It's just that I'm waiting for a really important 236 00:13:03,040 --> 00:13:05,640 - call. - No, absolutely not. - Aw, come on, mate. 237 00:13:07,280 --> 00:13:10,000 - How about if I give you a tenner? - All right. 238 00:13:17,560 --> 00:13:19,710 Eeewwww! 239 00:13:19,760 --> 00:13:22,000 Ugh! Ugh! 240 00:13:27,740 --> 00:13:28,800 No bombing! 241 00:13:33,520 --> 00:13:35,680 Thought you weren't getting in! 242 00:13:45,800 --> 00:13:47,630 Liz! 243 00:13:47,680 --> 00:13:50,630 Please, don't hit Daddy in the face with the dolphin. 244 00:13:50,680 --> 00:13:52,470 Liz! 245 00:13:52,520 --> 00:13:55,230 Say, "The Coach And Horses." 246 00:13:55,280 --> 00:13:57,670 Say, "They do craft ales." 247 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:01,560 Do a dot-dot-dot, then, "Could be fun", question mark. 248 00:14:09,000 --> 00:14:11,190 I could hold my breath for that long. 249 00:14:11,240 --> 00:14:13,480 I have done many a time, when I get hiccups. 250 00:14:14,760 --> 00:14:16,460 Which is every time I drink a cider. 251 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:41,870 Oh! 252 00:14:41,920 --> 00:14:43,760 Eeewwww! 253 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:00,960 I don't like this at all. 254 00:15:02,560 --> 00:15:04,040 Hello, Anne. 255 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:07,270 - Where's Darius, then? - Oh, 256 00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:10,070 we decided to keep him off swimming for the time being. 257 00:15:10,120 --> 00:15:12,110 Yeah, he gets dermatosis from the floats. 258 00:15:12,160 --> 00:15:15,240 - What, you've come here on your own? - No, no, he's up there! 259 00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:19,670 Do you know, I lost a ring in this pool late last year. 260 00:15:19,720 --> 00:15:23,550 Yeah. I shed a lot of weight a while back because of the IBS, 261 00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,390 and I must have lost 1lb off my hands and wrists alone, 262 00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:30,470 which meant that my grandmother's ring just slipped off and 263 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,630 got sucked into a filter. 264 00:15:32,680 --> 00:15:36,270 They actually named me after her, but, erm, she died 265 00:15:36,320 --> 00:15:38,150 when I was about five days old. 266 00:15:38,200 --> 00:15:41,520 So the only thing I have left of her now are these earrings which... 267 00:15:44,520 --> 00:15:47,480 I don't want to make your day worse, but your tit's hanging out. 268 00:15:51,520 --> 00:15:53,240 Excuse me one minute. 269 00:15:58,560 --> 00:16:01,390 - Ah! - What the hell is going on? 270 00:16:01,440 --> 00:16:04,910 What are you doing? You gave me the fright of my life! 271 00:16:04,960 --> 00:16:07,110 Did you follow me into a swimming pool?! 272 00:16:07,160 --> 00:16:09,630 I'm not going to follow you, mother! I'm not psychotic! 273 00:16:09,680 --> 00:16:12,310 You said you were busy all week. This isn't busy, this is swimming. 274 00:16:12,360 --> 00:16:14,830 - It's exercise. - No, it's not, you're barely moving! 275 00:16:14,880 --> 00:16:20,310 It isn't my fault that you haven't organised your childcare. 276 00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:22,670 You've got some cheek, 277 00:16:22,720 --> 00:16:24,470 swimming up to me and saying that. 278 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:26,550 I haven't had time, mother, 279 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:29,600 because I have been busy looking after your grandchildren. 280 00:16:32,480 --> 00:16:34,750 What's important now is that you're here, 281 00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,270 so if you wouldn't mind taking over, then I can go and get... 282 00:16:37,320 --> 00:16:40,350 - I'm not taking over, I'm exercising! - Don't you swim away from me, mother! 283 00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,470 Come back here! 284 00:16:42,520 --> 00:16:43,920 Don't you swim away from me! 285 00:16:49,160 --> 00:16:53,150 Hey, Kevin! Kevin! Do you want to join in the human wave machine? 286 00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:55,230 I wrangled some of the bigger mums. 287 00:16:55,280 --> 00:16:56,840 Don't do it, Kevin. 288 00:16:58,120 --> 00:17:00,120 Yeah! Fine! 289 00:17:01,320 --> 00:17:02,840 Whatever! 290 00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,710 He's such a great guy. 291 00:17:08,760 --> 00:17:10,590 Kevin? 292 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:13,110 Don't be ridiculous. James. 293 00:17:13,160 --> 00:17:15,510 I'm his "the one that got away." 294 00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,190 Crazy, I know. 295 00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:19,710 Please don't tell anyone that. I turned him down years ago, 296 00:17:19,760 --> 00:17:21,390 broke his heart a bit, 297 00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:23,600 and then he got with his wife Tandy. 298 00:17:24,600 --> 00:17:27,720 But I think he still has a bit of a thing for me. 299 00:17:35,120 --> 00:17:37,310 Right, so, everybody, listen up. 300 00:17:37,360 --> 00:17:40,350 On the count of three. You ready? One... 301 00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,710 Two... Three! 302 00:17:42,760 --> 00:17:45,510 Pull! Pull! 303 00:17:45,560 --> 00:17:47,550 Pull! 304 00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:52,590 Pull! Pull! Pull! 305 00:17:52,640 --> 00:17:57,750 Pull! Pull! Pull! 306 00:17:57,800 --> 00:18:00,190 Pull! 307 00:18:00,240 --> 00:18:01,800 Kevin? 308 00:18:13,320 --> 00:18:15,350 I've got you, man, don't worry. 309 00:18:15,400 --> 00:18:19,430 It's all right. I've got you, there you go. There you go. 310 00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,920 - It's all right. You all right, bud? - Yes, I'm all right, bud! 311 00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:27,680 - My God! Breathe, breathe! - I didn't need to be saved! 312 00:18:28,920 --> 00:18:31,560 I was out there enjoying the thrill of the current. 313 00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:35,830 I don't jump in the pool every time, every time you go for a swim. 314 00:18:37,580 --> 00:18:38,930 It's OK, we've got you. 315 00:18:39,280 --> 00:18:41,120 OK, That's it, up you get. 316 00:18:53,680 --> 00:18:55,480 Oh, oh! Oh! 317 00:19:25,600 --> 00:19:28,150 I'm just worried that sounded a bit eager. 318 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,270 When did he last text? 319 00:19:30,320 --> 00:19:32,950 - 4:15. - And when did I text? 320 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:35,510 - 4:16. - Liz! - Did he ring? 321 00:19:35,560 --> 00:19:37,630 Did my phone just...? 322 00:19:37,680 --> 00:19:42,280 Oh. It's all gone a bit quiet. I'm sure it's fine. What's up? 323 00:19:43,440 --> 00:19:47,040 - Uh, I did a bit of a silly thing. - What? - I, uh... 324 00:19:49,040 --> 00:19:51,280 I threw James's trousers out of the window. 325 00:19:52,760 --> 00:19:56,390 - Oh. That's normal. - It was a spur-of-the-moment thing. 326 00:19:56,440 --> 00:20:00,670 I didn't think. It was red mist or the heat of the changing room or... 327 00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:02,270 He just, I don't know, he just 328 00:20:02,320 --> 00:20:06,070 wound me up, and I mean, I immediately regretted it. 329 00:20:06,120 --> 00:20:09,070 - Well, just put them back! - Well, I tried, but... 330 00:20:09,120 --> 00:20:12,350 I looked outside, but I couldn't see them. 331 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:15,470 He'll just think someone nicked them. You know, things get stolen. 332 00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:18,310 I used to get new trainers from changing rooms all the time when I 333 00:20:18,360 --> 00:20:20,910 - was a kid. - Hey, Kev. Hi. 334 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:23,270 I saw this at the bottom of the pool. Dived down and got it. 335 00:20:23,320 --> 00:20:24,840 I think it might be yours. 336 00:20:26,640 --> 00:20:28,440 - Thanks. - No worries. 337 00:20:31,760 --> 00:20:33,320 Did my phone just ring? 338 00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:44,650 The hero! 339 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:46,990 Hello. 340 00:20:47,040 --> 00:20:48,430 I think he was a bit upset. 341 00:20:48,480 --> 00:20:51,400 He said my watch strap scratched his neck or something. 342 00:20:53,080 --> 00:20:56,230 - It's so great reconnecting with you. - Yeah. 343 00:20:56,280 --> 00:20:58,910 After all these years! 344 00:20:58,960 --> 00:21:02,590 - And you and Tandy, still together. - Mmm. 345 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:05,550 In a way, I feel like I should take credit for it. 346 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,080 - What? How? - Because... 347 00:21:09,800 --> 00:21:11,870 Cos, of course, we had our little thing, 348 00:21:11,920 --> 00:21:14,110 - when you asked me out and I said no. - What? 349 00:21:14,160 --> 00:21:17,190 But just think, if I hadn't had turned you down, 350 00:21:17,240 --> 00:21:19,710 you wouldn't have rebounded with Tandy. 351 00:21:19,760 --> 00:21:23,750 I think it was, like, literally the next day! 352 00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,710 - What?! - You asked her out the next day, after I turned you down. 353 00:21:26,760 --> 00:21:29,230 You didn't turn me down. 354 00:21:29,280 --> 00:21:31,200 - Yes, I did. - I didn't ask you out. 355 00:21:33,400 --> 00:21:34,880 - You did. - What?! 356 00:21:38,880 --> 00:21:41,070 Oh, shit! Yeah! 357 00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:44,070 - I did ask you out. - You did. 358 00:21:44,120 --> 00:21:46,460 Yeah, I'd completely forgotten that. 359 00:21:58,880 --> 00:22:01,270 Everyone wearing a green wristband, 360 00:22:01,320 --> 00:22:04,190 please make your way out of the pool. 361 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:06,000 Did he ring? 362 00:22:06,050 --> 00:22:07,180 Did my phone just...? 363 00:22:11,560 --> 00:22:12,920 Give it to me! 364 00:22:14,480 --> 00:22:16,640 - Hello. - All right, come on, then. 365 00:22:17,880 --> 00:22:21,830 OK, let's get that off. No, no, no, no, not the coat, not the coat! 366 00:22:21,880 --> 00:22:24,110 Not the coat! Not the coat, oh, God! 367 00:22:24,160 --> 00:22:26,710 OK. OK! 368 00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:30,150 He called, Kevin! Wallet man called, and I have to go now! 369 00:22:30,200 --> 00:22:34,150 - OK, have fun. - No, now, Kevin! I have to go now! You have to take my kids! 370 00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:37,670 - I'm already taking Julia's kids. - You have to take my kids, Kevin, please! 371 00:22:37,720 --> 00:22:39,790 Please, Kevin, take my fucking kids! 372 00:22:39,840 --> 00:22:41,920 Fine! 373 00:23:11,840 --> 00:23:13,830 Hey, Kev, mate. 374 00:23:13,880 --> 00:23:15,910 Sorry about the wave machine thing. 375 00:23:15,960 --> 00:23:17,640 I shouldn't have made you do it. 376 00:23:19,120 --> 00:23:20,440 Sorry I shouted at you. 377 00:23:21,520 --> 00:23:24,510 And thanks for getting me out. 378 00:23:24,560 --> 00:23:27,350 - It's all right. - It's just usually I'm the first aider, you know, 379 00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:30,990 because I'm fully qualified with St John's Ambulance. 380 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:33,910 - But sorry. - Seriously, it's fine. 381 00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:36,550 I get a bit overexcited sometimes, 382 00:23:36,600 --> 00:23:38,680 just getting to spend time with my kids. 383 00:23:40,040 --> 00:23:43,950 Until this week, they barely noticed if I was home, you know? 384 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:45,630 They don't rely on me because 385 00:23:45,680 --> 00:23:47,680 they're so used to not having me around. 386 00:23:48,960 --> 00:23:50,480 Well, that's... 387 00:23:51,960 --> 00:23:53,480 I'm, I'm sorry to hear that. 388 00:23:55,280 --> 00:23:58,070 But it can be lonely being a full-time dad, too, though, you 389 00:23:58,120 --> 00:24:01,390 - know. - Yeah, but you've got to think about all the good things about it. 390 00:24:01,440 --> 00:24:03,350 Your kids adore you. 391 00:24:03,400 --> 00:24:07,230 I can see that. I'd kill to have that kind of bond. 392 00:24:07,280 --> 00:24:10,750 You're probably the first parent they call for in the night when 393 00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,480 - they've had a bad dream. - Always. 394 00:24:16,800 --> 00:24:18,670 But I knew it. 395 00:24:18,720 --> 00:24:20,760 You're... 396 00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:25,550 Wait a second. 397 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:27,120 Wait a minute. It's... 398 00:24:28,480 --> 00:24:31,230 - Where's my trousers? - Mmm? - My trousers... 399 00:24:31,280 --> 00:24:33,630 My... my trousers aren't here. 400 00:24:33,680 --> 00:24:37,110 - Trousers? - Definitely not here. - Trousers, trousers... 401 00:24:37,160 --> 00:24:40,310 - What, what did they look like? - Trousers, they look like trousers! 402 00:24:40,360 --> 00:24:44,230 Here, er, take mine. We're almost the same height. 403 00:24:44,280 --> 00:24:46,830 - What? - Honestly, take them. - Well, what are you going to wear? 404 00:24:46,880 --> 00:24:49,870 - Honestly, I'll wear the towel home. - Why? - Come on, you'd do the same 405 00:24:49,920 --> 00:24:51,950 - for me. - No, I wouldn't. - Take my trousers, James. 406 00:24:52,000 --> 00:24:54,520 - No! - Take my bloody trousers, James! 407 00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,150 - Liz. - Russell. 408 00:25:13,200 --> 00:25:17,390 It's Mitch. My surname's Mitchum, so Mitch. 409 00:25:17,440 --> 00:25:20,080 Well, here's your wallet, Mitch Mitchum. 410 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,870 It's got your three cards and your £10. 411 00:25:23,920 --> 00:25:25,830 Count it, it's all there. 412 00:25:25,880 --> 00:25:29,680 And I sorted your receipts and did your tax returns. 413 00:25:31,560 --> 00:25:33,120 Not really. No, I haven't. 414 00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:37,110 Do you have to wear that for... 415 00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,920 - scaffolding? - No, erm... 416 00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,710 - I rode over here. - Oh, what, you've got a motorbike? 417 00:25:42,760 --> 00:25:45,070 Yeah. You want to see it? 418 00:25:45,120 --> 00:25:47,790 What, you don't want to go in for a drink, or...? 419 00:25:47,840 --> 00:25:49,480 No, no, let's see the bike. 420 00:25:58,160 --> 00:25:59,750 Shall I rev it up? 421 00:26:01,840 --> 00:26:04,320 Oh, yeah! Yeah, very good. 422 00:26:12,200 --> 00:26:13,680 Very good. 423 00:26:17,240 --> 00:26:19,600 Do you want to... Do you want to go in for a drink? 424 00:26:31,480 --> 00:26:33,400 Oh, for fuck's sake! 425 00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:41,480 Can I have... Can I have a bit of hush, please? 426 00:26:43,480 --> 00:26:47,280 It is a huge honour tonight that we have in our midst... 427 00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:50,990 one of my... 428 00:26:51,040 --> 00:26:52,720 personal heroes. 429 00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:57,310 Ladies and gentlemen, can I introduce to you... 430 00:26:57,360 --> 00:26:58,950 Malcolm Spender. 431 00:27:03,280 --> 00:27:05,070 Thank you, Julia. 432 00:27:05,120 --> 00:27:08,670 The cover of my book is a photo of our hotel 433 00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,710 just after it was destroyed. 434 00:27:10,760 --> 00:27:13,710 The surrounding area was completely devastated. 435 00:27:13,760 --> 00:27:16,110 People wandering blindly, 436 00:27:16,160 --> 00:27:19,160 human beings at their most miserable and vulnerable. 437 00:27:20,560 --> 00:27:24,030 I can't begin to describe the squalor and degradation we witnessed 438 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:26,270 over the next few hours. 439 00:27:26,320 --> 00:27:29,590 It was the closest thing I'd ever seen to hell on earth. 440 00:27:29,640 --> 00:27:31,240 Oh, give me a break!